What I Think…

I wasn’t into romances much, seeing it as a sort of wasteful time and wishful thinking of something that will never happen to me, but in others I like it. 

Well, only if they showed in a loving manner. 

And I don’t mean like pushing up against each other like they’re about to sex-it-up right then and there. I mean the look, the eyes, that stare that clearly tells me what they’re thinking. They’re literally saying out loud to me:

‘How did I ever fall in love with you…?’

And they stare in wonderment, and amazement. Completely aghast in this phenomenal feeling of finding the one person you have been waiting for. The time when you could not stop but look and wonder how did you ever met such an amazing person, and where that person had been this whole time. You feel so left out, and you silently wonder what if, just what if you met this person when you were younger, when you could have more experiences together and enjoy life together. That one key word, ‘together’, rings through your mind whilst you stare at the person of interest; completely taken away.

Or atleast, that’s what I think love is. It could be just admiration, y’know. 

You see, I’ve already had my first taste of love, and it was very, very, bitter. So bitter, I don’t want to fall in love again. It is a wishful thinking and it will most likely to never happen again. But even so, I am human, and the one thing we do best is doubt. I doubt I’ll never get a lover, and sometimes, I doubt that someone would tell me I’m ugly.

But most of the time, my mind is too preoccupied with repeating degrading words and hurtful comments about myself. 

I do admit, I do not shame my body as much as I did as a child, but now I’m most shaming myself at how selfish I am and how I can never please others. I know I can’t please everyone, but I always make an attempt to make them smile. But in that progress, I hit myself even harder for not ‘accomplishing even the most simplest tasks’. It’s not easy accepting that there are things I can and can’t do.

I know one day I’ll stare at a person in awe as I feel that I will melt if that person so much as look at me back, but like every human, I doubt that’ll ever happen. I don’t even think it’s plausible. It’s this constant debate on whether or not I’m suitable for even a person. Am I even likable? Do I make you laugh? Are we good together?

Am I even worth your time?

‘Most of the answers are no.’ Whispers my heart, and in the dark nights it would cry and curl up. Just hoping that maybe one day, another person will interrupt her cries with a simple hug and kiss. He would even allow her to cuddle with him as she sniffles to sleep, wondering how a person like him even acknowledge a girl like her.

Yeah… I doubt that’ll ever happen to me.


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